Self-Worth

This has been the theme of the last few days: self-worth. Self-worth is the sense of one's own value or worth as a person, otherwise known as self-esteem or self-respect. Each person values themselves differently, but (especially nowadays) it seems that more people seem to have low self-worth.

I've always had low self-worth. As a child, I dealt with bullying and abuse. As a teen, I dealt with crappy boyfriends and abuse. As an adult, I deal with a whole new set of troubles. During my teens, the internet became increasingly popular. The days of hanging out in person or having phone conversations for hours seemed to disappear slowly and then all at once.

An important part of conversations is the non-verbal cues or gestures from another person. Without that, it almost feels like any conversation is open to interpretation when it comes to tone and intent. The lack of face-to-face communication is starting to destroy this and I believe it caused a new general uncertainty when it comes to starting conversations with other humans. Do they like me? Do they understand what I'm trying to say? Are they judging me (when they're probably not)? Do I communicate effectively? These may not be the actual questions you're asking, but they're the underlying questions.

But back to the main topic: self-worth. This problematic communication causes general issues when it comes to having friends in your 20's, 30's, and beyond. It is hard to make plans when everyone is slowly becoming a homebody and lacks the motivation to upkeep friendship. It's so easy to upkeep friendships due to the mass amount of social media networks! Wrong. A friend does require some communication and interaction.

Unfortunately, now that I'm a mom and a graduate student and a general hot mess... I've been crappy at upkeep, but I try. I try really dang hard. Some people unfortunately fall through the cracks in my busy life (somehow my days go by and, even though it's been 24 hours, it feels like 4 hours). But what does this have to do with self-worth?

Somehow my self-worth in my 20's (and even my teens) has depended on other people. If someone doesn't talk to me, I pine after them to salvage any sense of friendship. I find myself meeting new people on social media and wanting so badly to be their friends in real life. And even though I try my damnedest, no dice. Why do they not want to be my friends? Why do they not want to be around me? Why won't they give me a chance? Am I a shitty person? Am I ugly? Am I not cool enough? The questions overload my brain until my self-worth meter is at 0.

I miss the days of easy friendships and conversations. I miss when there was effort. I miss having a sense of self-worth and more certainty in my life. So this November, I'm no longer pining. I'm not longer trying. I'm not going to wait. I am going to improve my self-worth, self-esteem, whatever. I am not going to feel like crap anymore over people who care less about my existence. I am taking control again. You should too!

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